I think I just saw someone hide a body.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
