i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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