how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
