I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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