He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
