just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
