Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
