he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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