This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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