we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
