he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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