an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
