I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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