He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
