1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
