My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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