And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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