I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
