Having a random hookup so left but love u
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
