How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
