She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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