dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
