she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
