I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
