how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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