I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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