There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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