Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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