Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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