If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
