I wish my penis had an off switch
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
