Got a toothbrush?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
