as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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