grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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