I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
