If that was your dad, he is hot
my being single is dangerous.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
