Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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