I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
