All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
