Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
