How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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