he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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