Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
