Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
