my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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