Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
