So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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