there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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