Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
