You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
