Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
