im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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