it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
