cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
