Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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