Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
