This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
