A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
His hands were made for my vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
