I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
there is glitter all over my balls
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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