Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
