YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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