I cannot find my penis.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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